Skeletonwitch – Forever Abomination by orlandooom407

I am writing this review as a public service announcement to all those of you who are concerned about the negative effects of ‘heavy music’ on yourselves, your loved ones, and most importantly, your children.  The vile band of heathens that call themselves ‘Skeletonwitch‘ are the perfect poster-children for the sort of amoral depravity I’m talking about here.  Now, I don’t have a problem with their actual name, as everyone knows that the only good witch is a skeleton witch because that means she has been properly burned at the stake.  But even the most cursory examination of the band’s so-called ‘logo’ turns up no less than seventeen (17) blasphemous and/or blatantly Satanic icons, including upside-down crosses, pentagrams, the head of Baphomet, and what appears to be an image of Jesus eating a bean burrito and wiping his face with the Shroud of Turin.

Add to this heinous idolatry the name of their most recent album: Forever Abomination.  I don’t know about you, but to me it sounds almost like they’re proud of it.  I won’t even get into the cover art as it is possibly one of the most obscenely genital-ridden panoplies of subliminal sex messages since Disney’s ‘Little Mermaid’.  I forced myself to listen to the entire album so I could be sufficiently knowledgeable on the disgusting topics and horrific Hell-spawned evil sounds contained therein and be able to properly prepare you all for the likely (nay, inevitable) march to world domination by hordes of unwashed ‘heshers’ this album will unleash upon an unsuspecting, God-fearing world.

First off, this album appears to have made its filth-ridden nest in the genre known as ‘blackened thrash’.  I was fooled by this moniker at first; again I assumed that the ‘blackened’ referred to the sanctified burning of all things unclean (devil music, Harry Potter, movies with Dakota Fanning in them) but apparently it actually refers to a vocal style perpetuated in the early 90s in Norway.  I’m in favor of Norway: they were wise enough to enforce a state-sponsored official religion, unlike the liberal hippie ‘freedom of religion’ crap we have here.  Unfortunately Norway is now in line for a hearty smiting for giving birth to the demonic screeching of so-called ‘black metal’.  Next we come to ‘thrash’.  Again, I was comforted by this term, assuming (as any pious man would do) that it referred either to the cleansing self-flagellation with studded leather straps that is the only true way to free one’s body of sin, or the appropriate police response to long-haired Democratic weirdos congregating in groups to whine about their ‘rights’.  Sadly, neither of these turned out to be true; instead my head was sodomized in a most unholy fashion by hammering riffs and acid-throated howling.  ‘Shredding Sacred Flesh’? ‘Infernal Resurrection’? ‘Reduced to the Failure of Prayer’? Do these monsters hold nothing sacred?

Well, clearly they don’t, and just as clearly they are completely unrepentant savages content to wallow in the juices of their own ungodly corruption.  So unless you relish the thought of having your brain seared by ‘blackened thrash’ that will make Jesus weep into his Gordita Supreme, stay far, far away from this album and may God have mercy on your soul!

Click here to order Forever Abomination, available from Prosthetic Records for only $10!

– Gregor Von Leakenhawer