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Happy Saturnalia! by orlandooom407
December 11, 2011, 8:21 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Hey fools! If you’re like me, the holiday season makes your dick soft (or your vagina drier than my sense of humor, insert gender here). After black friday shows us the true dark side of the human spirit, everyone across America is exposed to bullshit politeness, relentless campaigns to put the “Christ” back in Saturnalia, and the always-present spectre of Zombie Bing Crosby crooning that timeless Nazi anthem, “White Christmas.” Unless you really love wool, Jesus, the colors red and green and/or are missing one of your parietal lobes, the holidays tend to jack up your blood pressure by more than a few mm/Hg. What better way to sneeze the hate out of your charred black soul than to revel in the best and worst holiday-related metal videos? Join me in my rage cage, kick your feet up and grab a bowl (of popcorn, or something.):

I feel no holiday is complete without this song. Fellow doomhead Sean McDonnell agrees. If I had it my way, this would be blasting in every Zales and Macy’s in the country instead of the 999 version of Silver Bells. The King turns the holidays into an effigy, declaring “There’s no presents, not this Christmas!” Right on! KD would be more likely to drop down the chimney to perform a sacrifice in your living room than to actually give you anything, anyway. I feel he missed an opportunity to say “Satan needs a helping hand” in the second verse, but hey, I’m not the King.

VH1 says that Run DMC has rock cred since they performed “Walk This Way” with Aerosmith an eon ago. VH1 also confuses rock for metal on a regular basis, and since I can only think thoughts that are fed to me by the tube attached to the back of my skull, Run DMC must be metal. If you think I have brain damage, watch the video and tell me there is anything heavier than seeing Crackhead Santa and his strange, half-pubescent illiterate elf slave. Shouts to Bobby Lee from Hong Kong and Iman Zumbal from Lagos, Nigeria. Nice.

Everybody’s probably seen one of these before, but this is a brand new 2011 edition of Slayer Christmas Lights. I love how creative this guy is with his light sequences, and even gets the Snowman’s mouth to move very accurately with the words. Very cool, and anything that injects Slayer into Xmas gets my approval 100%.

Christmas ist Krieg! Erlosung has been doing the Xmas metal thing for awhile now, and I love me some frosty black kvltic covers of Christmas classics. I encourage anyone who works in retail to troll their customers and hijack the PA to put this on.

Finally, we approach this mindfuck of a video. Everything is wrong; leopard print guitar straps, drummer with a headset, 80’s butt metal values and tenets, everyone has shades in the studio, Twisted Sister still has a career…this is the closest thing to a compressed, 6 minute long experience that brings forth all the same putrid emotions and fears that I feel over the entire holiday season. I am in some ways thankful for finding this and in others, very deeply regretful. It should provide some catharsis if you just got elbowed by some fat bitch at Best Buy, or if you need inspiration for finally going out into the living room and mowing down your family, holiday sweaters and all.

Alright, so these are neither the best or worst holiday videos out there, but they all hold a special place in my heart. Have a laugh, inhale some artificial snow and always remember that Santa has a list, but if you’re reading this, you’re probably not on it, you filthy, godless atheist. Happy Saturnalia!

– Chris Nunez

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2 Comments so far
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You and Erlosung are my new heroes.

Comment by Gregor Von Leakenhawer

SATVRNALIA IST KRIEG

Comment by Gregor Von Leakenhawer




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